The holidays probably don’t feel like the most wonderful time of year if you’ve recently lost a loved one. Grief is complicated and unpredictable, and staples of the season that used to bring you joy, such as holiday gatherings and family traditions, can suddenly feel painful and overwhelming.
“All we have to do in grief is the next best step,” said Gina Moffa, LCSW, a trauma-informed grief therapist and author of “Moving On Doesn’t Mean Letting Go: A Modern Guide to Navigating Loss.” “It may feel confused and clumsy. And, in some ways, it’s supposed to be. We’ve been transported to a whole new landscape where we have no map, so navigating life — and the holidays — will take time, patience, endurance and loving support.”
Prioritizing your well-being and giving yourself grace are key to getting through the holiday season without a loved one. Here are Moffa’s tips.
Practice self-compassion
You may have a lot of different emotions that come up — some expected and some by surprise — so, be kind to yourself. You’re not going to be able to rush yourself through grief. When self-critical thoughts arise, practice self-compassion by responding with gentle understanding. Try phrases like “It’s okay to feel this way” and “I’m allowed to grieve in my own time” to help anchor you.
Read: How to Get Through the Holidays When Dealing with Grief >>
Reassess your traditions
Remember that you have the freedom to decide how or if you want to engage with traditions and make space for new ways of celebrating if that feels right for you.
Take a moment to consider which holiday traditions feel meaningful to you this year and which ones may be more difficult. It’s OK if certain activities like decorating or attending gatherings feel too heavy. Allow yourself to prioritize the traditions that bring a sense of comfort and let go of the ones that feel overwhelming.
Check in with your body
Grief is a full body experience and it can affect all parts of your body. Check in and follow what your body needs over obligation. For example, is making that casserole going to energize or exhaust you? Will making holiday cards recharge you or drain you? You can feel different from day to day so that’s why checking in with yourself, your emotions and your physical needs is important.
Try adding a new tradition
Adding a new activity or tradition can offer a positive way to cope with your loss. Consider doing something in honor of your loved one, such as volunteering in a way that connects with their memory or creating a quiet moment during a holiday meal to share a story about them or raise a toast to them. This can give you room to experience the season in a way that feels right for you right now.
Make a backup plan
With some traditions, activities and plans, you know you want to push through and be part of them. Sometimes, though, things change as the plans approach. For example, you said you’d still attend the big family dinner, but as it gets closer, you’re feeling more exhausted.
Create a series of backup plans for these situations. Plan A is your best-case scenario — you’re having a good day and have the capacity to move forward. Plan B turns down the volume a bit and Plan C is often an exit strategy.
Identify your priorities
Understanding what matters most to you during this time can help you figure out what your needs are and help you feel more confident in trying to meet them. Ask yourself: Is spending time with family a priority? Having friends around you that feel safe? Having quiet time alone?
Set boundaries at social events
When grieving, holiday gatherings can feel emotionally intense. It’s important to set boundaries around the events you choose to attend and the time you spend at each one.
It may be helpful to:
- Plan a “graceful exit” by letting important people know ahead of time that you might need to leave early.
- Choose to attend only the gatherings that feel supportive and skip the ones that feel draining — and if that means skipping all of them, that’s ok.
- Give yourself permission to say “no” to invitations without guilt or adapt plans as needed. Remind yourself that taking time to care for your emotional well-being is a priority and not something you need to apologize for.
Manage expectations and ask for help
If you’re usually the go-to person during the holidays, but you’ve been too sad and drained to bake pies or wrap gifts, allow yourself to skip the celebration if that’s what works for you. Or, if you want to partake, be open to asking for and receiving help and support. Try calling a friend or relative in advance and letting them know you can’t contribute as you have in the past. Setting expectations in advance can save you a lot of pressure and added stress on the holiday.
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